What is Co-regulation?

The definition of co-regulation on Wiki will have you scratching your head. The "continuous unfolding of individual action that is susceptible to being continuously modified by the continuously changing actions of the partner.” Huh? Let me try to simplify this.

Co-regulation refers to the social relationships and the way one can adjust themselves when interacting with another, in order to maintain a regulated state. That sounds a little complicated too. Co-regulation is the process of matching with another’s nervous system. That’s better.

I like to think of resonance in music. Each instrument has its own frequency and creates its own soundwaves but 2 strings on the same instrument will vibrate together. We also have our own frequencies but we will pick up on the vibration of those around us.

Check out the super slow-motion video below. You can see the string to the left begin to vibrate. It is slight but its there.

Co-regulation occurs when one nervous system soothes another. This creates a communication that sends a message of safety to the body and nervous system. If we didn’t experience healthy co-regulation in childhood, we struggle with regulating our emotions as adults. If our caregivers were carrying a lot of stress or tension, were highly-activated or deeply shut-down, you may live that way too. That is because that is what feels normal. However, living in this state does not only cause nervous system dysregulation but can produce physical symptoms like chronic pain, fatigue, anxiety, and other stress-related disorders. When your brain is stuck in survival there are actual physiological changes to your body. Even your hearing shifts to tune into more low-frequency sounds and neutral facial-expressions can come off as anger or aggressive.

Living in a dysregulated state impairs one’s ability to connect with and emphasize with others. This makes relationships difficult. Relationships, especially if a conflict arises, can feel overwhelming, confusing, or make us want to avoid them all together. It can be difficult to open up to others and communicate your needs and wants. This is almost always rooted in our attachments in childhood.

Good news, there are things one can do to practice co-regulation. The practice of regulating with another helps us have deeper relationships, more authentic connection and empathy. Even better news, (for us introverts) co-regulation is not limited to humans. Pets can be great co-regulators.

Things you can do to start co-regulating:

• Engage Physically: light touch, embraces, cuddling, leaning on one another

• Maintain eye contact when talking

• Audible sighs of relief

• Placing one hand on your heart and the other on the heart of a partner. Take a few belly breaths together.

• PLAY